"Boss" Jake - One of "the creators" of ABS-CBN's TV Patrol, Alas Sinko Y Medya, and, ANC - sent me the following email on if the Biblical Noah were around today and in the Philippines-
I think this is an updated version of one I saw shortly after EDSA '86;
It is the year 2006 and Noah lives in the
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover
the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two
of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specificationsfor an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and
agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the
Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best
but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for constructionand your plans "did not comply with the codes".
I had to hire their "engineering firm" and "redraw"
Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety
Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a firesprinkler system and extinguishers.
Then my neighbours objected, claiming I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark inmy front yard,so I had to get a permit from the
municipal planning office.
The Municipal Planning office told me to get a
But when I went to the Barangay Captain, he saidI should first get a permit from the municipal planning office.
I got confused.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Monkey-Eating Eagle.
I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood
to save the eagles. However, the DENR won't let mecatch any eagles. So, no eagles.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no
When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected
to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again
notified me that I could not complete the Ark withoutfiling an environmental impact assessment on
your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creatorof the universe.
Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the DOLE that I am practicing discrimination by nottaking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country toavoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kindof user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action
alleging that the Ark would be used by Garcillano to escape.
The PNP on the other hand insists that Mr. Arroyo
might use the Ark to flee to the USA.
Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for
GMA's Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential
Upon hearing my building the Ark, Congress did what
they always do --- formed a fact-finding committee.
I'm not worried about that though because they've
never had anything done anyway.
Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO
against further construction of the Ark, saying thatsince God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 10 or 16 years!"
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth,
"No," said the Lord sadly...."The government is
already doing that."